How to stop people pleasing

It's normal to want to be liked and accepted. But taken too far, it slips into people pleasing. You want everyone around you to be happy… and you will do whatever it takes to keep them that way.

In life this comes at a cost. You'll never get what you want if you're trying to be all things to everyone. At work it can hold you back - impressing people and being helpful can leave you overstretched and unable to deliver. And even seen as subservient.

I’m a people pleaser in recovery. Here’s what I’ve learnt that may help you. Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your ability to be yourself:

Know Your Goals
It’s much easier to say no to other people’s requests when you know what you are saying yes to in your life.

Start with Small Noes
The easiest small noes are over text since you have time to reply. Or it may be offering an alternative rather than a full rejection. Practice small noes to work up to higher stakes situations.

Use Delay
Pleasers say yes too quickly. Take a 10 second pause before you lock in obligations. Ask for time – practise saying ‘let me check and get back to you next week’. Give yourself time to check what you want.

Practise Speaking Up
It’s one thing not to want to start conflict. But avoiding conflict at all costs means that you’ll struggle to ever get what you need. Express your opinion or disagree about something simple to start speaking up more.

Watch out for Boundary Pushers
As you read this is there one specific person you have been thinking of? Someone who you find it extra hard to say no to and who seems to suck you into things? What can you do to hold your boundaries better and create more of a win-win relationship?

Are you a people pleaser? What's it costing you? What are you willing to try?