The voice inside your head

"You are stupid. You talk too much. You are ugly. You don't fit in here."

We all have an inner critic: the harsh internal voice which judges, criticises and demeans us. Having one is normal and just knowing this can help and be a first step to taming it.

One reason this is normal is to do with how our brains work. Our brains are hard-wired to sense threat. When our self-esteem is threatened (for instance when we have a setback or come across someone that we think is better than us) the threat-protection system goes into action. It may sound strange, but our inner critic is misguidedly trying to protect us from something such as taking a ‘risk’ or ‘embarrassing’ ourselves.

3 ways to tame your inner critic

1. Awareness
Get familiar with your inner critic's script. Write a list of everything it says. Now you can watch out for when it is 'in the room'. Keep an eye out!

2. Distancing
You are not your thoughts. Write this list in the third person ('you are x') - this immediately creates distance. To create further distance give your critic a name, you might even draw it or think about its personality. The more you can create a sense of a character that is not you, the further you will distance yourself from your negative self-talk. This process is backed up by plenty of sound research - read this for more information if you’d like it.

3. Challenge
You will need to work hard to challenge your inner critic. Its voice is most likely an automatic response. Develop your own inner champion. What would it say in response to each insult your inner critic throws at you? Get to know your strengths – list them and put them somewhere you see them everyday; ask others what they are if you are stuck; listen to and accept compliments rather than brushing them off; read complimentary texts, emails, cards carefully and keep them in a file; re-read them when you need a boost.

Neuroscience teaches us that in order to retrain our mind we need to work hard, consciously and repetitively. Taming your inner critic won't be easy. It's like unlearning a poor backhand in tennis - you will have to drill and drill your new backhand until it becomes part of your automatic muscle memory. Habits and habitual thought work in the same way, needing practice and considerable effort to shift them.

What's the voice in your head saying? Is it criticising or championing you? How is it holding you back?